You dont have to react in a certain way to every expression of emotion from them. These two resources might help. Its impossible for you to be responsible for everything because of interdependence. Shes really struggling. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. Pause for a moment and look back at the last week. Likewise, every decision you make is influenced by your family or societal conditioning. I feel this is unhealthy. People who are hurting dont need Avoiders, Protectors, or Fixers. Retrieved Can Humans Detect Text by AI Chatbot GPT? Best wishes! I thought it was going to be a historical documentary and was amazed to find it was the story of my family. Moving myself is not an option and she's threatened suicide if I try to move her to a senior apartment or anywhere at all. I am so stressed from caring for my mom. I'm a senior care specialist trained to match you with the care option that is best for you. The pressure to be responsible for my mother's happiness weighs heavily. You need to work on setting boundaries and when she starts that crap, leave the room and quit taking it. Make her take responsibility for her own health. Happiness is inside you, or it does not exist at all. (I've done this, too.) And, in fact, trying to take on the responsibility of another persons happiness can hurt them in the long run and deprive them of miracles. When you take responsibility for everyone and everything, wittingly or unwittingly, you can throw yourself into a cycle of anxiety, stress, and sometimes depression as well. Another ingredient is patience, because the process takes time! The above soooo describes me. Yes, I still feel responsible for my ex's happiness. Youre not to blame for everything, but you are responsible for yourself. For example, speak out like this: I didnt like it when you said that. I feel this is unhealthy. Meeting yourself in the presence of the other is Schnarshs definition of intimacy. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Feeling responsible for others happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Scribe Publications. If you want someone to understand you, speak up. Answer (1 of 6): No. I've always been a people-pleaser, the mediator, the one in the room who tries to see it from the fringe perspective. Children who. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Notice when you are catering to the needs of others. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. When I started reading these books it was like a light went off and I felt like I could breathe. Everything is constantly evolving and changing in this intricate dance of interconnectedness, relationship, and mutual influence. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, The Innate Intelligence Observed in the Dying Process, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness, Not Listening? I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. Accepting others where they are and forgiving them doesnt mean that you let someone walk all over you. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. Take a deep breath and focus in on actions and activities that will improve your life. Am I a terrible person? These are opportunities to pivot, to hit our knees and fully surrender. Having grown up in a family where it was ' my job' to keep my mother contented, I am finally calling her out on it. Examples: There was a fiery crash on the interstate. Just let them meet themselves. For the most part, you cant control the actions of other adults, though you may have influence. Letting go of over-responsibility will bring relief, acceptance and peace into your life. Don't even think about either outcome. Live each day, and each day do something little for yourself. Certain hormones are known to help promote positive feelings, including happiness and pleasure. But I will be made to feel badly until the day she passes away, that's just the way it goes.it's what she WANTS. The solution is simple though it might not be easy:Stop blaming yourself, stop blaming others. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. Draw a large circle on a piece of paper to represent something you feel is your responsibility and that you feel guilty about. The stories you tell yourself can take on a life of their own, becoming an unending source of anger, self-pity, anxiety, or just plain misery. Taking drugs. Gradually, make choices much more in harmony with your True Self. Say no to activities and people that drain your self-confidence and energy. Children therefore believe that they have a larger impact on their parents' emotions and well-being then they actually do. sidebar Im not talking about bottled water either, just the water that flows through the pipes into your house or apartment. I really need to break this behavior. She felt a responsibility to make sure her friend was okay. You are not a sole agent working exclusively under your own power. You feel ashamed or fearful when you make a mistake. But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible and you can make that clear to her. Would I benefit from changing? Then make a plan and tinker with it until you can get it to work. Oh, now I see what I need to do in the future. Ill look at this as a challenge rather than as a problem. This self-talk will help you develop a growth mindset, to use the phrase of researcher Carol Dweck. In this process, while youre allowing them to experience what they need to experience, and trusting that theyre being guided, just give yourself this opportunity to be in prayer for them. Welcome to my island of sanity and serenity. Or books on this topic specifically? It is such a common pattern of thinking, feeling, and doing, and you're right - it causes problems. 2. Any suggestions? She has also written fivecritically acclaimed, award-winning novels about life with mental health challenges. Now I feel those shackles back on me. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her. In such symbiotic relationships, if one is hurting, the other must sympathize with that pain as proof for their love; if one is happy, the other should also be happy. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. Get out and spend time with friends and create your own positive environment which will also work to lessen the effects you feel from your mom's criticisms. My life is more than busy and full. He's had the shit end of the stick, lost his mum, dad and brother within a few years, was abused by his sister . Can I claim them on my taxes? After all, arent friends and loved ones supposed to support each other? Could you STOP right now? The minute a . Emotional validation is distinguished from emotional invalidation when a person's emotional experiences are rejected, ignored, or judged. He immediately said 8. She makes me mad. Brrr. Self-talk like this makes you think you have to be perfect instead of the fallible human being that you arethat we all are. It's always nice to be able to look at a book and start to read it before buying it just in case it isn't for you. Use your newly forming beliefs to shift your actions away from people-pleasing and more toward people-supporting (and you are a people to support, too). Stop beating yourself up for everything that goes wrong. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed. But as you change yourself and its hard in the beginning. Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. (2016, May 5). This thread is archived New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast 43 12 12 comments Best lovelydelusion 4 yr. ago Think of ways to drop down your own niceness and to make AL seem more attractive than what you provide. I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. I identify with this a lot, and it has come to the point where it is starting to cause problems in my relationship. 2010 - 2021 Sandra Pawula. I just need a few things to get you going. Their only income is SS and it goes to Medicaid. After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. Fast forward to 2011. It seems like it is your husband who misunderstands. Hi Maria, With time, such a process will slowly rewire your brain and help you internalize that you cannot prevent your partner from feeling pain. Do you really believe youre in charge and that your worry can change anything? These "happy hormones" include: Dopamine: Known as the "feel-good" hormone, dopamine is a. When theyre ready for that change to come into their life, then youll be there. It means living in alignment with the way the world is rather than according to a false belief likely planted in your mind as a child. You have to keep strong and use this site to know that you are making boundaries and getting healthier for yourself. Instead, commit to being fully responsible for yourselffor your own thoughts, words, and actions. There is a book that is broader than this specific topic but has wisdom that applies to taking responsibility for others' happiness. I have always been a people pleaser. Mom has reached the denial stage regarding everyday dumb stuff. Site last updated March 4, 2023, Stressed, Anxious When Things Are Good? Find me on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, and Pinterest. Someone had to make the pipes, didnt they? You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). Or look at a situation that caused you to worry or feel anxious for another person. You feel youre responsible for your parents marital conflicts. But its not helpful, kind or loving to try to impose change on anyone. You need to understand what you have power over and what you don't. You don't have the power to make your husband choose the right attitude, behavior, words. You might find something similar that you like, too. Misery-Maker 6: Creating suffering through bad habits and addictions. With the first one, you have empathy and are kind to those in your life, but you know that you can't make them happy at their core. Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. She is a real Debbie-downer personality to begin with, always has been. I think this might be stemming from the fact that when I was growing up my father always took the role of being the mediator. I'm matching you with one of our specialists who will be calling you in the next few minutes. Am I just completely misunderstanding? Some people maintain a basic core belief (click here for a short video explaining about core beliefs) that if our partner feels pain, it is our responsibility or fault, and we must fix them, cheer them up, give them a hug, protect them, and so on. Modern culture encourages us to think that we are free, independent agents. Plus, youll receive access to the Always Well Within Library of free Self-Discovery Resources. You deserve your own happy life! T = Take charge and make the decision to change. Research shows that when you make the conscious decision to change, you are more likely to be successful. He worryingly scanned his wifes face and whispered, Well, actually, 2 out of 10.. So, you cannot be responsible for everyone and everything. I was finally able to BREATHE. Mingyur Rinpoche, "How to Train Your Monkey Mind." Some unhappiness and misery is inevitable. Why do I feel responsible for everyone's feelings? here. Start doing one think today for youself. You depend on all sorts of causes and conditions, just like a tree depends on a seed, water, and nutrients to grow. Mom wants her room to be over 80 degrees most of the time. Being a responsible person helps us to: Be more honest: When we tend to tell the truth and keep our promises, the people around us will . Photo by Luke Pennystan on Unsplash. Often, we believe that if we cater to what everyone wants, theyll be happy and we can avoid unpleasant conflict. You've got great insight and motivation -- two of the most important ingredients for making positive changes. They start avoiding sensitive topics, constructive feedback, frustrations, and conflictual tensions in the relationship in order to avoid hurting each other. I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. Maybe your mother is like mine - I believe that either Narcissist or perhaps Borderline personality runs in her family, and being constantly on edge for keeping things going smoothly has worn me down. 11 views, 0 likes, 0 loves, 1 comments, 0 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Jumpstart Coaching Lab: Want to know the difference between success or failure as a financial professional? Get an easy-to-understand breakdown of services and fees. No, you are not misunderstanding this! All Rights Reserved. Feeling solely responsible for the happiness of others, no matter how well-intended, causes anxiety. Replace your thoughts with more realistic ones that help you internalize the fact that you cant be fully responsible for someone elses happiness and that worrying wont change this. You couldnt survive a day if it werent for the kindness of others. With love, Sandra. PostedJanuary 24, 2017 Johnson It can be hard to find moments of happiness in these uncertain times, but it can be even harder to hold onto those moments. We worry about others, and we blame ourselves for their unhappiness. Hugs! She is playing the guilt card, but you don't have to pick it up. However the converse is important. Remind your partner to hold on to themselves: They do not need to react to what you are sharing. Reflect to examine if you hold a core belief that you are responsible for your partner's feelings, or that their pain is your responsibility, or that it is your responsibility to keep your partner happy at all times. By consistently practicing to accept someone where they are and see them with compassion, you realign with your true love nature. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Source: Image by Clker-Free-Vector-Images, pixabay.com, CC0, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. Happiness is an individual responsibility. I made a life here and have a full life with many friends. The National Domestic Violence Hotline online, Sleep Is a Spiritual Practice: 5 Spiritual Tools for Better Sleep. A practice of gratitude is one of the easiest and most rewarding good habits you can develop. Read more about escaping negative self-talk here: Heres an additional resource to further help you with your toxic guilt: https://www.just-me-i-am-me-mental-health-forum.com/post/7-ways-to-combat-toxic-self-talk-using-compassion, https://blog.iqmatrix.com/eliminate-guilt. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more. This is something I see come up all the time with people who are on a path of spiritual and personal growth Ive done it too. This question has been closed for answers. PostedAugust 22, 2019 How to Overcome Extreme Challenges and Uncover Deep Resilience with Ed Mylett, How to Meditate with a Mantra: A Simple Technique You Can Use Anywhere, How to Meditate: The Easiest Meditation for Beginners, True Abundance: 3 Steps for Attracting the Abundance You Want, How to Be Happier at Work: 3 Tips to Make Your Day Better Now, Focus on the Good Stuff When You Collaborate with Other People on Projects, 5 Tips to Quit Sugar the Spirit Junkie Way, My #1 Exercise Secret: Move in Some Way Every Day, How to Trust in the Healing Path When Youre Recovering from Addiction or Trauma. It's a great pleasure and happiness to feel their support, even if they are not near me. Happiness comes from within, people in miserable circumstances can be happy. I always have a dark cloud looming over my shoulder :( When I was a teenager I suffered from depression. My wife might have been in that. Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." How long can you go on feeling like you're responsible for their happiness (when you give up your own)? As a result I've always been a little extra "sensitive" to people's moods, and behaviors. Any suggestions? How much effort and energy will I have to invest in cheering them up or asking for forgiveness? Over time, such mental effort can lead you to start avoiding your partner, since you already have enough on your plate. 2. We come to fear the imagined consequences of this, and we increase our fear and worry with an. Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control. She shared that she felt it was a 2 when he said his original 8, and she was actually glad that he admitted openly what she (and I) clearly sensed. And you don't have to try a bunch of stuff at once if it makes you uncomfortable! Subscribe to Wild Arisings, twice monthly letters from the heart filled with insights, inspiration, and ideas that will help you connect with and live from your truest self. Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. I just need a few things to get you going. Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place. Lynn Beisner writes about family, social justice issues, and the craziness of daily life. What I wonder is if you know of any literature I could read to support me in making the small incremental changes you mention above? health If your plan doesnt work, see a therapist or check yourself into a program that can help you quit your self-destructive habit. Eventually, they turn on you and make your life miserable, even cut it short. The child thinks, "If I can make my parents happy, I'll be happy as well and all will be peachy." Let's connect. After I got out on my own, that went away and I believe it was due to getting out of the depressed household of my parents. One you can do. So if you dont want to keep your partner and your loved ones undifferentiated, and if you want to grow, then remember that you are not responsible for their feelings. Passionate marriage: Keeping love and intimacy alive in committed relationships. How to Stop the Misery: Notice when you blame yourself. (A clue that youre doing this is neglecting your own needs and desires.) 3. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that focuses on our thoughts and actions, is effective in reducing the anxiety caused by responsibility for others happiness. Reflect on this profound idea often, until it becomes a part of your being. He is caring enough to notice that I sometimes flinch around him and he's worried. How much time did it waste away? She hasshared information about creating a quality life on podcasts, summits, print andonline interviews and articles, and at speaking events. Hi Aimee, It makes us tense, lacking in joy, and overcommitted, because we likely feel we need to fix everything as well. Only stick around and engage with her when she's being nice to you. (he's in a pretty dark place right now, I'm employed, he's not). I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. Nope. Youll naturally feel greater altruism, kindness, and compassion too. I'm living with a man right now, and I'm driving him crazy, because he says I don't "live" in the house with him. My husband is very social and we have a big group of friends. When you change your thoughts and feelings about another person, you change your energy toward them. As a result, you may constantly obsess over another person's circumstances and wellbeing. So, I had to move them out here to Colorado to an independent senior apartment complex about 6 miles from my home. You could try small experiments. In the last week or so I have begun to sound like a broken record because I just keep saying ' this is not my responsibility - it is yours.' The other person will receive your shift in energy and feel released by you. trustworthy health. All these typical situations are within your circle of control, at least partially if not completely. If you are worrying over a problem that actually could arise in the future, make a realistic plan and write it down. I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Well, fast-forward a decade and dad ends up with dementia and now is in a care home. The 2 Most Psychologically Incisive Films of 2022, The Surprising Role of Empathy in Traumatic Bonding, How a Stronger Body Can Transform Your Identity, Two Questions to Help You Spot a Clingy Partner-to-Be. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Feeling and dealing with your pain directly builds character, integrity, self-respect, and confidence. This does of course not help him nor me. Old Medication, New Use: Can Prazosin Curb Drinking? consistent on your spiritual path. Let's look at an example from both the perspective of a mother who feels her child's happiness is her responsibility and a mother who provides good support for her child's big feelings without the belief that she is responsible for his happiness. Caring for others is a character strength. Here's How to Recover and Repair, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up. For example, he no longer feels any need to rebuild trust after an emotional affair because he feels it's not his job. You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. :) Stick with your process. A great time to do this is when youre feeling anxious and worried about someones mental state. You can speak up for yourself. For more guidance on what it truly means to accept and forgive, check out this blog post on forgiveness. I cried the other day because I bought steak to try and cheer him up and he decided to skip dinner. Get personalized guidance from a dedicated local advisor. For example, Whether I lose weight or not, I am a worthwhile person who deserves love. Practice self-compassionbe kind to yourself by softening your judgment and treating yourself like your own best friend. If only I had her looks! If only I had his personality! Social comparison is an unending source of misery for most of us, because there will always be someone who is more beautiful, funnier, wiser, or richer. Codependency For Dummies. How can I be feeling this way?. But the truth is we cant control everything. This process can lead you to a more aware partnership, which is less reactive and symbiotic and more authentic and differentiated. That is something that a person has to work at for themselves. Talk to her MD about her destructive behavior and see if he can't give her an antidepressant. Everyone has their own guidance system, whatever it is they believe in whether thats intuition, angels, spirit guides, the Universe or God. Spirit accepts what is true, which is that we are all love. My SuperSoul Sessions Talk: The 5 Steps to Spiritual Surrender, Blogs When they do, get up and get out. What quiet "do it himself" activities are suitable and interesting for an older man with vascular dementia? Leading a couch-potato life. Finally, if someone you love does come to you asking for help, there are some resources you can share. One of the reasons I can't do my hw is I know it'll make me happy but that makes me feel uncomfortable because I've spent my whole life worrying about her happiness and her needs while sacrificing mine. You may find yourself trying to have fun in ways that are not really fun. You are responsible FOR your words, choices, dreams, feelings and TO him. People with emotional instability who were in therapy benefited the most, increasing their ability to handle stressors and reduce inner turmoil. And through it all, be sure that youre taking loving care of your own energy. The most unloving thing we can do is try to change them. I just can't do it anymore. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, or financial or any other professional services advice. As Lori Gordon writes, you might be a factor in their life that influences their experience, but you cannot take responsibility for their. In fact, rejecting how you feel either the happiness or the guilt can be harmful, says Natasha Bailen, MA, a graduate student at Washington University in St. Louis. And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage. I feel guilty any time I am doing something for myself or having fun. You were NEVER responsible for your mom's happiness (or lack thereof). 4-6 If you have said 'yes' to nearly half you are probably in the process of separating but need to go further. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. Keep in mind, this is all before they even turned 80, so not talking about super-aged here. You might think this is only a problem for people with very low self-esteem. Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness. You can pray for them to have it be gentle when they hit bottom, and for them to receive very clear direction when it happens. You do . Healthy relationships depend on mutuality, and our life quality is much influenced by others. I'm Sandra Pawula - writer, mindfulness teacher and advocate of ease. Give them the chance to experience exactly what they need to experience, and dont be afraid of it. I know these are my feelings and I should of not let the guilt get to me. Talking to your wife will, in my opinion, benefit both of you as you work through this. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. You feel to blame if your child goes off in a bad way. Tanya is a Diplomate of the American Institution of Stress helping to educate others about stress and provide useful tools for handling it well in order to live a healthy and vibrant life. Read On! Feeling responsible for others' happiness is a complex relationship of interrelated thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Everything you need to stay In our sessions, we discovered that both of them shared the core belief that your pain = my fault. Your local library might have this book, as she's so well-known. A walk, meditate, paint your nailssomething. If you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, youll never enjoy the sunshine.Morris West. Important note: If you are in an abusive relationship, visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline online or call 18007997233 or TTY 18007873224.