You have your wife, intimacy is so much better than busting a nut and orgasming, why does this make us feel better? For senior sex news, tips, event and webinar announcements, and special offers,join Joans mailing list. Who risks? I bet you think all men are stupid as well. We went to a therapist who separated us and I thought that might help her confidence. I can live with that, but I can not live with never being touched or made love to ever again. . About 10 % Love 90% Hate. Is it so horrible for me to want to passionately kiss her if it doesnt even lead to sex? 1. Nathan I am in exactly the same position as you. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. My point is, most of the sexless marriage problems are from the man not ruling. Sweetie, I love you with all my heart and it saddens me that you have no interest in intimacy with me and refuse to explore any potential solutions. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. I have spoken to my wife several times. I try to get used to it. that is all there is. We are just roommates. Hmmm. The last time I had sex was in 1997. Its not an option. Or should I just accept her celibacy and masturbate when I need release? Its bad. I feel very blessed, because my gynecologist put me on low dose hormone therapy. the women stop trying once you give them what they want. Im to the point where Id be happy with an occasional peck on the cheek. In most cases, Ive seen that men dont realize and acknowledge the needs of their wives. Weve been married for 37 years. It is not fair that I have to take care of it by myself! Your wife never initiates physical contact - Sex feels like a chore Is your mind saying - "my wife loves me but is not sexually attracted to me?" Your wife never initiates physical contact and she does not seem excited by that idea either. Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. I moved on to another job, we did not keep in touch for very long. She needs someone to act as a buffer, to provide support and not make it seem like shes in it alone. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. Given the fact that 34%, (some studies say as high as 40%) of women and 15% of men dont like/want sex, is it any wonder that 50% of marriages end in divorce? From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex. Divorce isnt either Im not ever going to hurt her. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. Take your time and show your wife youre not in a hurry. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. We still find a way a couple of times a month, but it took my husband a long time to not feel he was at fault. If your wife never initiates physical contact, it could be that horror of horrors you may be bad in bed. Would you prefer I see prostitutes or have a girlfriend on the side to take care of my needs? We had a normal sex life up till last year 3/4 times a week, but at Christmas, during the middle of the day, where our 2 daughters could have walked downstairs and seen him, I happened to come around the corner near his office to see him standing there watching porn and masturbating, after we just had sex that morning. Im 47 and this happened to me. Then theres the masturbation/porn thing. Its a bummer most times. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. I am new to this. Weve all heard the answer to no Sex is stop having Sex? I agree 100%. I guess. My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. At least you go that far to keep your marriage happy, intake, blessed. I am fine with him pleasuring himself and even using porn is fine. . Illness, marital issues, motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. Shes particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. Haha Im not going to belittle my husband and make him feel less of a man when he is the one with impotence. I went through marital counseling before the wedding. Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. Im not really sure if you can put any one word to it. Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood. I still love my wife dearly and I am committed to her but I have to take care of myself. . I get it and don't want to add to her stress. There's nothing wrong with the lower-libido partnerthey simply just don't want sex as often as the other person. When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. Frankly; its time to move on and out . I am a 64 year old woman who has lost all interest in sex. Here is a video explaining mental illness that might help. Nothing before marriage, nothing on our wedding night and little to nothing for the next 46+ years. I can easily live without sex, but I cannot live without love. Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. I want to be involved in sex to enjoy the feeling of being loved by a woman.. in bed nothing happen just sleep. My wife never touches me anymore after weve had our child, Greg told us. I have always loved sex with my hubby, but after menopause, that all changed for the worse. If you love him why cant you help him be happy a few times a week I dont get that part, it is just a little bit of your time and you could set all the rules or boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. But this woman kept me in her heart and mind for fifty years. Now the difficult part. I married, not for love but because was told I could do worse. Research, psychologists, and Google can offer ideas, but only your wife herself can tell you why she doesn't want to have sex with you: Working a full-time job in addition to running household errands and caring for kids can be exhausting and stressful, so some women may simply feel too busy and overworked to have any energy for sex. Lame! This is the best I have read. Send Joan your questions by emailingsexpert@seniorplanet.org. My wife and I have been married 20 years. Living alone would reduce frustration of a non-response. i do not want to go outside the marriage so i guess living with the problem is the. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Tried Testosterone replacement but it made me very sick and ended up in the emergency room with complications . Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. She doesnt complain about helping me out but intercourse is quite painful for her and I dont want to press it if shes in pain. I dont have a problem with a sexless marriage, in fact I created it in our marriage. Holy Cow, I have about had it. Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. she says when she and I are close she gets panic attacks and anxiety attacks. I have never been a man so I cannot empathize with a man. Learn how your comment data is processed. Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. Sometimes a married woman isn't interested in having sex with her spouse because she's simply not in the mood right now. I cant believe a respected Sex Therapist has Keep Masturbating as an answer. Thats what hurts me is the constant rejection. Then it was more of a hurry it up thing. Not the husband its always the mom. I realize this rant may seem to be about my needs, but I think I deserve the right to a fulfilling life. Demanding sex is not way to go, maybe we would like to hear her opinion. Sex is extremely painful, regardless of whatever I use to try and counteract the problem. Im considering leaving altogether and realize it will put a financial strain on both of us although we have significant cash equity in our home which can make it much easier in retirement. Maddening! You're correct about that. Demetria, so how old are you now? I am also in a sexless relationship, same as others in our 50s Im in good shape and shes overweight, out of shape and depressed. Why would he ever have too? Hi Mary Ive been reading a lot about this and not come across anyone with a solution apart from no proper sex or divorce. Hope your marriage will last till you die you depart. Im over 60 and Im learning to accept this is the way life is going to be for the rest of my life. When a woman looses her ovaries and/or had a hysterectomy the sex drive goes. * THE SECTION BELOW TO INSERT DYNAMIC VALUES FROM YOUR How can a person be so shallow that they base their lifelong relationship on whether or not their wife can help them empty their balls? Harley, I am doing none of those things. If that is the way you feel I will respect that, but I need YOU to understand and RESPECT my needs. Id say he has some other issues. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. so I started to do it. Besides intercourse itself, she turns me away when I attempt to initiate some sort of intimacy by kissing or stroking, things she used to love in the past. I am aware of the risks, and am more than willing to live with them, rather than go back to how I was before. Lets separate then.NO! As long as we had a steady job and didnt look like Shrek, shed settle for us. Not so in an egalitarian or woman-dominated marriage where she gets what she wants that always ends in dysfunction & misery. The dog loves her. Thank you Joan, for all you do. Hi Monica, You ladies need to get hip on new Sex Play & Sex Toys, My wife of 1yr,(she is 73) ( Im 77) We were having sex every nite & 3 times on weekendsand it all came to a STOP about a month ago. I never signed up to be married and not getting sex. If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. Is this the same advice you would give a man that is in a sexless marriage? Never did I roll over and fall asleep, and always tried to give her an orgasm until I had one. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. This can be emotionally wounding for her, and the man too if he has empathy. I was in bed for a week with complications and ended up in the ER and the doctor said given my reactions my risk for stroke is 25% higher using Testosterone but I still get told I need to think of her and give it another try. Your husband is a very lucky man. She consulted with her doctor who recommended hormone treatment and her research on cancer had her rejecting that avenue. All I can say that my sexual desire was immediately and irreversibly shut off like a light switch. * PLATFORM OR CMS. In this new gynocentric west, the only answer is to find non-western women or women who were not raised in the west. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? But, do not sell yourself. 7 years no sex!!! Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. I thought during the first couple of years of our marriage that I was imagining this but I now realize I wasnt (since he recently stated how we werent trying to procreate any longer, so why bother with sex.). Two lovers need boundaries to choose their path. She wont do therapy and I dont want sex because someone forces her to. she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. Perhaps every month or so she gives me a handjob, rarely a BJ. Seeing a therapist or speaking with her doctor about her mental health is a step in the right direction to help you recognize the woman you fell in love with. Is it something we should split over? Its good for your general health, your sexual health and your sense of well-being. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. She was before marriage. So, I know my only option is accept this is my life from here on. He doesn't feel confident about his body. Really? I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. Still in love with Vicky. He may still be impotent after surgery, no guarantees. I tried to think that it was OK, I still had company and friendship. I would be gone before dark! But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4199300/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4555290/, https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/full/10.1111/jmft.12282, http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2707786/, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3807599/. Especially because . Lately it seems that after giving her oral sex my wife just wants me to hurry up and orgasm with intercourse. I havent yet but I am going to find sex outside my home. All he needs is that wonderful little blue pill. My career came to a halt after my illness, due to a stigma related to my heart problems and brain surgery. To survive youll need to cheat or else go insane. Dont worry about having sex for a long time. If it wasnt for this site I would had forgotten that the word sex even existed! I live in my garage, shop, apartment and happy as clam no yelling and name calling. What is the solution? Due to bi-polar, I have had a strong sex drive since I can remember. I was not going to reward her or fall into another hug with nothing more than a few seconds of holding, and then a push off. In fact, I recently read that most sexless marriages are due to lack of desire in the men. Reality, we can go easy one yr without sex, he doesnt touch me,nada! I am desperate. Please enable JavaScript to view the comments powered by Disqus. 5 Marriage Problems That Most Couples Face And Their Solutions, My Wife Is Not Interested In Sex And Sometimes It Feels Like I Am Having It With A Dead Body. Is it honestly your right to be given sex however your wife can give it? Also from a masculine point view primordial guttural sex that is still controlled contributes to female orgasim. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! He spent 100.00 on his mother as he forgot to get her a card why cant he forgive me ? I was going to say you lucky lucky bastard., Maybe let her pick the sex partner and she may want to be a side participant in it, could always ask : ), Its been13 years no sex for me.lbeen married42 years..her phone and internet are more important than me. Cater to her needs, indulge in some foreplay, and stop being selfish! Am I ugly? Is it so horrible if I want to snuggle with her? High blood pressure Life is so wonderful! To see my wife go direct to the Phone on the first morning home and second morning home was very upsetting. So, maybe you need to think about going back to being friends and not husband and wife? Divorce? She would reluctantly use lubrication when I complained and promised to find a solution. Here is what the problem is when it comes to SEX. That old saying use or loose it.. There is one other medical condition relating to touch called allodynia. I sense for it to get all the way to her not wanting to be touched whatsoever at all anymore, something must have happened. I can literally be ready with just a thought. Holding on and hoping we can work it out, for now Im giving him space. I have tried individual therapy and that was to no avail. Where is my man who would COOK, and have me for dessert?CLEAN! No sex 7 years!!! Susan!!! Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? Even worse, because Im larger than average, she can no longer handle my penis even if she wanted to. I am now dating a man in his 60s, I also am in my 60s and he cant get erection so he shut down any sexual contact and I am dieing for a sexual relationship. Also, expand your definition of sex. BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! Our sexual problems are much more complex because I have accepted the fact that she really wants to be intimate but the cost is too high. Unfortunately a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and under went surgery that shut me don sexually (I couldnt even masturbate any more) This has killed all hope we had to try and have a sexually normal marriage. Sex ended, period. Sex should be mutually inclusive. Research shows that sexual communication was strongly associated with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. What to do about it: Similar to any other health issue, it's important to be compassionate and supportive of a partner struggling with mental health. Women are very conscious about their bodies in general. 2. She is intelligent and knows exactly what is going on. My ex is 70; I am 63. we have been married about 22 years. For everything there is a season. Harley Very true! My wife of 43 years has no need for sex except very infrequently and then only quick missionary. During our engagement I made it crystal clear that my sex drive was high & she was the perfect woman to relieve it. They have cheated on us with themselves and their selfishness! We dont understand anything about foreplay or romance. Jack- SHe aint lost brother. An emotional affair or even a one-night stand that you think your wife doesnt know about? Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. I am in this marriage til death do us part but I feel like Im missing something very big in my life. However, whenever one spousewithdraws from the other, there is always a risk of your marriage being almost over. . So now a hug one a day (maybe) and pecks on lips when leaving house. . Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. Woman think if they dont want a penis inside them that thats it, no sex. And the sex with my current partner is always strained because she doesnt show any real passion or desire to let go. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. This break down could be for a number of reasons: Some are directly related to her man. If there are other underlying problems such as financial constraints or strained relationships with the in-laws, the stress could be killing her libido and be the reason why your wife avoids sex. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. I get angry, then sad and depressed. BIG mistake. She apologies oh well. This is relevant for anyone with anxiety about their body (which, unfortunately, is true for the vast majority of women), but it may be particularly relevant for women as they age, go through childbirth, or simply experience changes to their body over time. But if its truly my duty.. By Joan Price nuff said. I am now trying to get into health club manament and the barriers for that seem less difficult. No doubt youre frustrated. Id be interested to find out your age. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. I cook and currently renovating the home again only to hear Thats great, Now what about the bedroom?. Every time he gets mad he threatens to move out. Dang! Ill keep this short, but I could write a short novel. I am very hormonal being athletic and take DHEA supplements which enhance desire. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? Shes sorry, but I love her and say its ok. He (so far) said no. I dont look my age at all! When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions all my life, since I started having sex as a teen. I was faithful to my beautiful redhead for 27 yrs, and I never got tired of making love to her. Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. But then she had a full hysterectomy to further reduce her hormone production, and from then on, sex has all but stopped. With kids and work schedules, it can unfortunately become easy to put date night on the back burner, but there are plenty of reasons to make it a priority in your week. The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. Where is their allegiance to you? Related Reading: How Do You Deal With A Quarrelsome Wife? Her body, emotions, and mind were changing. Id never treat him as she does! Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. Nothing physical. Agree Sean. We does not seeem to need to hug or cuddle either. Women have all these excuses and fare enough many of them are legitimate but some of it is disconnecting. She has just lost interest. The first and most important thing you should do if your wife is never in the mood is talk about it. Peter: she wouldnt interest you shes like me now old, cranky, take pills and fat. Maybe I should start trying to ease my husband into this conversation because we have been having sex rarer and rarer these past few years. "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. But I still love her and will be heartbroken when that day comes. Honor us with attention and physical contact. Because I am not attractive to her. If they did, they would be taking care of business! State your case to your partners. Hasnt been for decades. Even to the point that when she gets sexually turned on it still causes her pain. Dont kid yourself, she still understands a mans needs. Weve been married 27 years, sex So selfish and controlling . Truthfully, the solo routine is rather old. To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: Id be saying goodbye! That never goes away for most women or men. Could it be that your wife avoids intimacy and shuns the idea of making love? I agree with Trish, Frustrated Daughter. If shes willing, find a therapist who will help you and your wife talk about this and really listen to each otherand if she wont go, go on your own. . I had a few clients who had a baby and found it difficult to start getting physically intimate with their spouses again because theyre not comfortable with their bodies, says Gopa. Arguments and maltreatment are nothing to put up with. Underlying medical problems If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. I told him I heard him doing that and I told him if he ever did that again I would divorce him. !life is def funny!! I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. He feels unwanted or unappreciated. That had bee. When your wife avoids physical contact, it could be because of resentment, 13. Your situation is my situation ! I do not believe love will demand it as a duty but love also doesnt hand over the relationship to the destructive forces and temptations, The older I get the more confident I am Im 57 and my husband is 56 years old. She even went from sleeping naked in bed to full pajamas and on the rare occsion she would have sex to me, remove only her panties like a robot. Damn was I a dumbass. Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? I started seeing sex workers. I have suffered from sexual dysfunction ever since I started having sex at 15 back in the mid 1970s. She displays no interest at all and hasnt for years. In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . My wife and I are celebrating 48 years together in January. I need love that bad to hang on to a partner that never wants sex? If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. who cares any more if your in a sexless marriage! You are absolutely right, foreplay is an ongoing and wonderful thing, but for most women, after menopause, and the estrogen dries up, sex becomes too painful because of the dryness. Weve been married almost 40 years and neither of us had any sex partners before we met. Some older couples and married partners with physical disabilities make it work every day and have a satisfying relationship. I love her but I need/miss sexual relations, which she's not into.