I dont have parents with a home I can escape to or rely on financially even for 1 month. He keeps acting like im so mean for threating this, yet he still doesnt get up and look for a job.. Im getting resentful and angry. Then was laid of from his job and the drinking slowly began again & this time came back worse then ever! Get a job.anything to bring in money & my stress will subside to a tolerable point. I was OK and understanding until this last week. Now the x is willing to divorce but it leaves me in a predicament. He lives with anxiety and depression and is unable to work, despite several attempts over the years. My husband has been unemployed for over five, YES, FIVE years, yes, YEARS. Any time I suggested steps to actually find paying clients, or to engage with other people in her field, or to network, or to do anything other than staying home and reading the blogs of more successful people, her go-to response is That sounds exhausting. I dont know how being solely focused on bad things going on in the world is helping either of us. Ive tried tough love. It isnt fair. I have become bitter, angry, resentful, and depressed. Since then he blew thru $30,000 in his savings, has had infrequent freelance work, has done several projects for free(cause that will lead him to work) and my father financed $6000 for an invention that never took off /sold. Setting the Record Straight on East Palestine, A Quick Bible Study, Vol. MY DH does some housework but very very slowly so he thinks he does a lot. My husband gets nearly everything he wants. My sister in law said to my husband in front of me why dont you send the little woman out to work I find this comment so rude and hurtful. Press J to jump to the feed. We all took turns washing dishes, doing laundry and yard work. He has been incredible to my family & helped take care of me when I was recovering from surgery. Job hunting has basically become my full time job (besides my non-related job) and I am a very determined person. All rights reserved. This is not where I expected to be at 41. Miraculously, we have no debt other than our car loans which we are able to pay each month. Theres nothing in your wifes genetic coding that makes her better suited to this kind of work. If you feel like you are in crisis, and are located in the US, there are several nationwide services, hotlines, and clinics that can offer support specific to your situation. ??? If I could go back to work I would but the situation im in with not having a car and having to make sure my son is properly cared for is standing in the way. Im at my wits end. A recent study by Review of Economics of the Household shows what women already . To see a list of therapists in your area, simply enter your ZIP code here: One guy who was supposedly this master salesman couldnt even sell me on why I should give him a chance and I gave him the sell me this pen test and he wasnt even above average with it. And the worst part is all of this is very isolating. Try to take everything of yours out of the place you are in now and transfer the mortgage to him. His latest job is through friends and is a small family owned business he has only been there for about 3 months and he is already fighting and having arguments with his coworkers. Uh oh. So back in brutal Britain I got some work again and then had a major relapse of my illnesses without anyone to offer me support. He says he feels bad for how things are. I see it in his eyes how crazy he is about me but Im having second thoughts. I went through unemployment myself when I finished my doctorate. Ive lowered myself now to telling him daily how he is using me and thats the way I see it! Then, whatever your partner does, give them kudos and keep letting go.. If I mute or pause the tv to look or listen to whatever gem he has found, I am a monster. My (25f) husband (24f) doesnt do anything at home. "He is very sensitive and emotional. My suggestions arent being taken anymore, at this point, I think hes so afraid of rejection, he doesnt even want to try. Life isnt fair? But whatever the reasons, unless you have connections your odds of finding a job after being removed from the workforce for a long period of time are about the same as winning the lottery and being struck by lightning at the exact same time on the exact same day. It was a dumb idea and I told him that. I am historically an optimist and therefore like to believe in the great and wonderful potential I see, yet at the same time feel like my needs, and myself, have fallen by the wayside in the midst of this unemployment depression veil. You deserve it. When a womans fed up thats it. Someone might say, no one gets divorced because their spouse didnt take out the garbage. Well, actually they do. He seldom take a look how fast I does these house work and how much I do with a long full time work. Ive just come across it and want to say that as a partner of an unemployed man who Ive been supporting for nearly a yearthis time.i agree that its not all about the poor unemployed person who must feel stressed n guilty etc.try working 50hrs a week and paying all the bills while ur partner stays home and doeswell,who knows whatgets up at midday..then talk about stress. I am torn as I feel fairly confident that hes the one for me, yet I dont see much coming from him in terms of support. Nagging creates more marital problems. But the problem is, humans are not rational and they dont behave according to percentages. Plus, the person isnt driving too far out of their way or losing time from their own life to make special trips. This will help you control your stress and anxiety but also teach you how to get your point across without fussing or fighting. Nither the least he quites his job while him out on maturity leave from work. I guess I know why he keeps getting laid off: he does exactly the minimum he has to do to complete a task (cleans a litter box? And in many cases, its on top of their day-to-day responsibilities at work. Im having to deal with it and as much as I know that it was my fault for not adhering to the warnings, I cant stop feeling so resentful and bitter. But i am starting to resent him. If I do the things that Im either good at or I like to do or I dislike less and my partner does the things that they are more interested in doing and dislike less, then the balance works much better.. When i bring up debt he blames me even though the $6000 i am once again in debt isnt because i bought frivalous things. Feeling animosity toward your partner because you choose to support them but proceeding to guilt them for it is no help for anyone involved. Even when they do work, they hardly make anything. And YOUR life is very precious!!!! I dumped him. During that week, she still managed to clock some working hours at her employment place. In some cases the opportunity is legit, but comes along at an inopportune time such as when someone has a relative who is dying, has died or is seconds/minutes away from death. He has applied for a handful of jobs in that time, he has really good experience but nothing has come of it. Him not driving makes his periods of unemployment even worse. We struggle so much we live in a motel with the kids I pay for everything including everything for his kids from previous marriage.I do everything including school stuff daycare etc. I have a successful company and already work more than full time, do all the work around the house and still make sure I am fully present and engaged with our daughter. Some women would alter their default style to avoid insulting their partner. Its like shes given up on herself. My husband has been out of work for almost 5 years. I have failed two jobs already for a year and right now, Im unemployed for one month. I bought a nice house based on two incomes, so that he could have his damned man cave , and I cant handle the expenses anymore. Now that you know this is an issue, look for areas where you can do some heavy lifting around the house or with the kids. So, my husband booked two weeks straight off. I am tired of this unemployment of my husband. In this situation, the wife can choose to ask their partner move out if there is no issue of children. No way would you ever sign up for that if the guy was truthful to you In the first place. We moved to a new city together last April so I could go back to school and she worked for 2 months during the Summer, but has been for the most part unemployed since last January. At least try ,prove to me I do matter in her world and understand I am breakable, This person tells me what a lousy partner I am whenever I suggest she spend some time looking for work or get new training. He swears he's bad at it, I do it better, he doesn't know how excuses, excuses. Oh yes, once in a blue moon during their 17-years marriage, my sisters husband earned some free-lancing income. I dont want to work either. You CANNOT continue to live like this! Nobody ever thinks of how unemployment affects those who are living it. I make him unhappy, he dont like what Im doing Or how Im doing it. I experienced the terrible economy. The recession has been so devastating for so many people. All while supporting myself and my son solely, with no government assistance or child support. But you, my friend, are free because you can put yourself first by putting him out. Everything is on me financially and sometimes all household chores and caring for our son, etc. I always asked myself what shall I do? We all need to seek God on this and truly turn to Jesus who is the only one who can ease our heavy burdens! I know some of the things you are thinking right now. Make sure you have a copy of the lease as it stands he is a visitor and has no domicile rights. None of this was easy though and it took years to work throughbut trust me when I say to you all, it is worth it. I have always handed over every penny I have worked for and he still only pays the bills when he really has too. No kids but it seems that there is a hole in me because of that. I dont know how to say this nicelybut your husband sounds like a total asshole. I just wish I had my faith that things would get better, but I think I lost that a couple years ago. When havent I been? When he gets fired from a job and denied unemployment, he doesnt appeal because he wants to keep his dignity. I wonder how his dignity would feel about a homeless shelter, because I cant do this for much longer. Honestly? Then the revival turned into stagnation again. Added to this he lost his father this year which was understandably difficult. My husband lost his job 2 years ago after his heart operation.Then his health recover after few month. If I start to clean he jumps up and starts cleaning with me .. What would that solve? 83% of women and 65% of men spent some time doing household chores daily. We have 4 young dependents and have now scaled down ( THIS IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT) to the point where we are living in a rural environment (farm) with no electrical facilities. Hes a slacker and useless and doesnt help around the house and he drives me crazy. If you walk into places like Walmart and act as though you are better than this place and are merely doing them a favor by agreeing to lower your standards and work there chances are you wont be working there. Why??? The days ahead arent going to be simple. he dont like me touching his cellphone, he feels i am spying on him. Thank you! I feel burdened and alone. Since weve lived together Ive paid every single one of his cell phone bills, his half of rent or utilities when hes brokeyet he would have money to buy beer or cigarettes. I started getting vocal the last 3 years ,, just done and yup that makes me a bitch in his book ,, if I say anything about him not working , keeping work ,, somehow its all my fault for not helping him with resumes and job searches.. You deserve love and respect which your currently boy friend seems not able to offer. He hasnt had a single interview in the last year. The reasons for the business not taking off-we do not have the space he needs in our current home to do his business. But since he didnt we dont know what to do. People find jobs every day. He was supportive. As for me Im about to run with the wind. He then decided to quit work as he was fed up. At least youre making an effort! Since we first pretty much start dating.. During the 3 years yes he had some free lance jobs or temp jobs but nothing that lasts more then months at a time.. Or even a year. But in the meantime DO SOMETHING, DO ANYTHING, feed your family. Thats because there is always someone in their lives picking up their messes, paying the bills. It turned out that he had chronic appendicitis, but it took the doctors two years to figure that out. Its not about money. You might assume you have to perform all the emotional labor because your partner cant or wont, said Anna Poss, a therapist in Chicago. Much as I love my sister and her 3 children, i.e. That they need to get a job and start contributing financially as soon as is possible. Why? Working many hours through the week, I cant figure out why he wont move forward. And my level of resentment is at an all-time high. I am beginning to regret marrying him and I dont know how long more I can put up with this.but I guess we dont have a choice but to just march on and hope for the best, (not in a bad way)but I am so happy to know I am not the only one.i feel so alone and so hurt and cry most of the time.when I met him we both were not working but was financially well off till reality hit with having our first child and I got my ass to work.Everyday Monday to Sunday just enough to buy nappies and 4 years into this he lays around at home watching tv and doing nothing.ill come home and he would want neer or when the lights are out he calls me to sort it out.he helps around with our son but honestly I feel like Im sucking into this deep depression having to take and the household.my family doesnt know as many occasions they warned me even his own mother wants me to leave him and Ive considered it so many times.just what will happen to my son as I work even nights to stay afloat at home.who will take care of himreally sad and lonely as I am writing this,his busy sleeping til I have to head to work. Talk about your household financial situation; set a realistic budget based on your income and any savings you may have. Very easy when youve never ever been there. I made it rebuilt my credit, rebuilt some savings, now looking to buy another home and live a scaled down lifestyle, but not sure I want her to come with! Deals from Dermstore, NuFace, Tibi, and more. I always been a happy go lucky person but now I just do not know myself anymore. When we first met he was finishing his studies for his second degree, and ended up moving from the Netherlands to London to do an internship to finish. We have no kids because my husband is infertile. This is known as specializing, explains Ogolsky. It has come to a point where , whenever I go to the shopping malls, I feel like a poor person. Men are perpetrators. I can tell you from experience, your marriage and entire life will crumble down to nothing if you dont either seek help for him, or cut off the relationship completely- which you may have to do in order to motivate him to fix himself. Remind yourself that that doesnt need to be the track you follow, said Samantha Rodman, a psychologist in North Bethesda, Maryland. Its very scary to make these decisions.. Its sometimes easier to just accept itand I suspect many of these lazy men are very unhappy with the women in their lives so they just stop caring about how all this affects their wives. They are either dismissed without even an interview or they get an interview followed by a rejection letter indicating that the company has decided to go with someone else, and screw you, youre out in the cold without a job or source of income and we couldnt care less. Being the runner up or coming in third or fourth place as a so called finalist for an open position really doesnt amount to a hill of beans when you have bills to pay and have a family to support. When do I get to be carried around for a while! I cant afford medical aid/bills anymore. I was given notice on my job six months ago that I was being laid off. Why all of comments are telling sad stories.are there any successful stories that the unemplyed finally gets a job and the love is strengthened?my boyfriend has been looking for a job since three years,thank god,i have a stable job,many of u with children and debtthat is much harder.wish all of you get through this tunnel. If your husband is trying to do something- small jobs, helping with the kids, going to school, then be patient. Copyright 2010 by Laura Hahn-Segundo Collins, LCSW. If they are in a dark place, pray for them and your family that he comes out of it. I therefore recognise the men above who slept until 10am. Its only been a few months since my husband has lost his job, but Im already feeling helpless being the bread winner. I have worked full time supporting us, even with our childrens births. This was supposed to be very temporary while he found a job so we could afford our own place. Now, whenever she calls, she always nag about money and to be honest, I find it painful. Is your husbands role in their lives good for them, on balance? My salary will barely cover expenses. Todays standards of political correctness have left me confused. Bc there is no way in hell you're a failure if you're doing everything at home on top of holding down a job.he's the dud if anything. And no connection in new placed. The last three shes totaled about 3 months of work. I feel I resent this more and more each day. Sometimes its too muchI cannot deal with this. I dont lie but he does and its so so hard to be a believer in situations like this when it seems its For worse, poorer, and sickness. I have felt gaslighted, future-faked, scapegoated, manipulated and financially abused. Emotional labor is a habit that is practiced rather than the result of a persons personality or some sort of character trait, Poss said. My children use to love him but cant stand the sight of him now. He plays this game: I applied for four jobs today.a month goes by, he never bothered to follow up on the jobs. Last December, The New York Times reported on a regrettable trend. Including some places where the pills are still legal. You messed up, now you got to fix it and its tough because feelings are involved games played and keep reminding yourself of what you deserve and what you want and are able to give In return, the answer will reveal itself and the thought of you hurting yourself because of some guy with two legs a penis and no sense only shows how he has got you right where he wants you. Any woman stuck in this situation walks a fine line between a caring helper and a mentor. I am 20 and have been with my 21 year old boyfriend for nearly 2 year at first it was fine we other worked at a pub he spoilt me as much and whenever he could and hes amazing and does help out around my parents house when asked but has been unemployed and living here for nearly a year I have had 2 jobs in this time as a receptionist which I had to resign from and my current position I Dont know what to do any more its so difficult I have to go to work every day I bring in the money and he wants stuff all the time wheres my stuff for doing the work? Throw his ass out tell him he had seven shots at keeping you and he purposely created the situation he is trying to train you for the next 25 years. Often, your partner does less because you allow them to, because you expect them to, and because you teach them how to treat you.. Hes tried for everything from minimum wage to whatever else is available. Its hard and we have children not an easy answer. All he needs is a foot in the door. I pay for everything even though i cant, i find ways! I feel sometimes like Im his only solace. Im tired and stressed and need soemthing more than just love. He lasted just over a month before he stormed out and quit (on a day I wasnt working.) My hubby needs a new pair of shoes- his are 4 year old, but they are special shoes due to a foot issue and cost over $150, so those cant be replaced until he finds a job. However, the chances are that another activity will result in the long run if you both stay engaged and conscious in your journey. Sometimes people think he who earns the most should have to do the least chores.. Two thirds of my wage is spent on existing (rent, bills, food and travel) the rest I dont feel I can spend on myself as Im always thinking about next months costs. I am very close with the kids (ages 11 to 16), and take care to prioritize their needs. Hes so lazy he dont study dont work he likes to chill and I should work. I am losing respect for him and Ive become more assertive in the relationship. Its a little overwhelming. Sweden doesnt work like that and despite being a well educated woman with many talents I didnt get work. As for how to bring it up, Alicia Clark, a Washington, D.C.-based therapist, said to avoid blunt criticism that might, however unfairly, make you seem like a nag. I had the chance to change career and do something more worthwhile but a combination of the embedding of class system, and fear of exhaustion led me to negativity and believing I was unable to work. We have 2 amazing children aged 9 and 5. Yet despite paying a third of the rent and none of the bills, on his days off he will just play online and just wear boxer shorts. What kind of man doesnt work or look for work then asks his mom for funds??? This of course has engendered an inevitable defiance toward authority. In the mean time i feel in love with a girl and we were in relationship the girl dont have any hearing problem or something. Then she spent the next 8 months adjusting the fonts on her website before giving up on that too. From my DH points of view, because he got depression, he doesnt need to work to hard, doesnt need to think about the future. While always snarky and witty, he now hates everything. For most of them, the main reason cannot get work is their attitude, not their luck, skill , experience,and education background. Dump his ass, any guy who truly cared for you and was on the same page is going to work at Walmart and make no bones about it as long as his girl says she respects him and loves him no matter what job he has to take for now.