Thats fair. She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. Its okay that sometimes my anxiety is bad. You'll Get Eaten Last. You can be too busy for a request, or have no conflict if you want. It happens every time I get him as a teller. Then one day I said to her you know, when you ask me my plans without saying what youre thinking of, it makes me really nervous because it feels like signing a blank cheque, and she said oh no, that wasnt my intention at all, I didnt want to make you feel bad by suggesting things if youre already busy and now if she wants to suggest a thing, she tells me straight off what the thing is. Them (if it was small talk) *moves on to a different topic* Two main reasons that I can see: 1) They want to get to know you better and talking about how you like to spend your weekend is often a great way to do that. Why do I feel entitled to some assistance or attention from the 24-year-old who lives in my home, taking up space, who pays nothing and does no chores (because shes too unreliable, and Id just be nagging at her, or doing them for her and pissing her off)? You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. Or else, Id rather people not start a conversation unless they have something specific to say, unless its somebody like my sister who I know well enough to talk about nothing and enjoy it. My own mother STILL phrases things the way she did when I was a teen like, How would you like to take out the garbage? well, I wouldnt LIKE to take out the garbage at all! Look who is talking. I, personally, issue a lot of soft invitations because I actually dont want to go to the trouble of planning something with someone who doesnt want to hang out in the first place? Him: Nothing at all? I need you to babysit. Have a very happy weekend! But different cultural norms! This week is bad for me, but next week Im free except Tuesday. It might help to keep in mind that for most people, the question is pretty innocuous. If banal small talk that most people use is offensive to you, thats on you to tell people, I think. Evenings and weekends may take us a little bit longer. (I am also not her only parent, so I dont get to act unilaterally. Most people would rather talk about themselves than anyone else, so turning the question back to them will almost always divert them from further questions about what Im doing. You are doing things and going places. I also use ooh, Im not sure whether Im driving my stepson to his Dads that weekend, Ill have to check for longer-term put-offs. LW has a LOT of reason to be bugged by this approach to seeking a date it carries a hefty implied threat because of what abusive men in our society have built it into en masse. Hello, theres a related phenomenon of *cashiers who dont know you* asking the question. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. Funny Responses to Rude Comments Sorry fella, I don't have the energy to pretend to like you today. Do I think X is a fair thing to insist upon? Rob: Hey Jan. Good, thanks, you? The kids DO like my origami and I was able to get in some geometry pointers with that. I feel like sometimes there is such a huge anti-parent bias among the commenters here. You enjoy making this girl smile and make her day with your humor. On the other end, I have a tactic for weekend planning. Also, the teachers here will not do your homework for you. HUGE, HUGE, HUGE numbers of parents of adult children pull this exact same rude little stunt, and its designed to make the adult child respond to powerful guilt buttons installed by the parent and capitulate to what the parent wants, because the adult child is programmed to believe if they dont have a good enough excuse, they have to go attend on the parent at the time in question. In my case this is always 100% true because unless I literally have my calendar open in front of me I do not know what I am doing at literally any time on any day. I think my aunt asks this question for the same reason you do. Why is that worth it? Your friends and family will get off the phone with you and wonder why they aren't grabbing life by the horns the way you are. Its real. And they come up organicallyI dont invent them just to make her jump through hoops. Its not really surprising when you think about the mechanics of it its basically stereotype threat / stereotype threat removed. Of course, you might have said that when you know that movie will be out for weeks and youd absolutely prefer to have an excuse to build a couch cushion fort and have an audience who is actually impressed by your terrible magic tricks, and no one wins. He hardly ever asks anymore though. The bigger words you use, the better. Can I let you know for sure tomorrow?. Spot on, thank you. What to Say: "Thank you, I had a great weekend.". It's time to break the silence and let her know that she shouldn't be nosing into your business when her life isn't anything special. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Now most parents dont really mean anything bad by this (theyre just used to being able to control their childs time and havent stopped to consider thats a rude way to treat an adult), so responding every time they try this with, Why, whats up? wont be a problem, followed by, that wont work for me if the invitation isnt something the adult child wants to do. I appreciate the suggestions about responses, having to deal with a pushy in-law (nosy for information and has a big sense of entitlement). I also find why do you ask? really handy as a polite way to signal someone is being nosy. But if I dont, I have that empathy worry, like what if they only said yes because they felt like they couldnt say no? Im thinking the letter we had a while back with mandatory no premade food potlucks is a glaring example of a culture that needs changed, but I would also like to see room in the workplace for people who are good at their work but are reserved/private/not interested in relationships with their coworkers outside of work. Them (if it was an invitation prequel) would Thursday at noon work for you?, Them We need to have lunch soon More words, people, not less. And they tend to be very very very sure of what counts as racism (nothing they do/say, of course), with an overlay of you should be grateful I am nice to you to wrap it all up. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Nobody ever catches the other out (you said you were fine!) because the dance must be done. Here are some days you can disappointedly shake your head at and postpone the event until some hazy future date when a Wednesday sees you free. Julia has been . Instead we got stuck attending an MLM pitch. Ive got some stuff to do around the house, etc. Its all the other situations I listed that bother me the ones where I dont always know the purpose of the question / true intent of the asker, or I suspect its to get me to do something. 2. You know the parent is deliberately being controlling if that wont work for me gets any variation on, BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYY.. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. (My brother and sister in particular also had to learn from both their friends and myself that, just because they love me and love them doesnt mean that were all friends) I could only imagine if that question were followed by an expectation of service or freedom to assume I was going to a thing. Ive got annoyed enough over this that I have been uncharacteristically assertive and told him that I dont like being asked out like that and that Id prefer that he just ask me outright about whatever activity it is and the date. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. Her presence in this household is ONLY because of her family relationship. I"m not done loving you!" 7) "It's Friday bitches!! But I think often we like to pretend that there are no such tradeoffs, and thats not helpful in the real world. 2. So, it's perfectly . I have one dear friend in particular that has the busiest social life I know. I think the idea is that someone who thinks no is hard will get the direct request and start cancelling plans, because no one would actually directly ask for babysitting unless this was the most important event of their lives. Then if someone tries to rope me into something I dont want to do, I can pull out the old Sorry, I have a deadline coming up soon / Im behind schedule so I have to work.. (If shes British, hopefully that will scare the crap out of her and shell leave you alone. I ask what are your plans for the weekend? *overwhelmingly* more often because Im genuinely curious: then they ask me, and we talk about our hobbies (or I say not much and we agree that laying around is nice.) I clean up nice, don't I. What are you doing Thursday? If not, then they'll just think you're being cheeky, which of course, you are. Nothing much (I have one coworker who now sometimes asks me What are you doing this weekend? I also see are you free Saturday? or What are you doing tonight? as potential traps and in part its because in college the manager of the dining hall I worked at would call, start with What are you doing tonight? and then argue that whatever I said was less important than covering a shift for someone. 4. This applies in other areas of life too. friend: yep cool 1. Ive got[an alligator to befriend, etc]. For me, laundry is a good excuse, because you can make it seems as small or as big as youd like. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. Bye. You're going to want to keep your messages quite a bit shorter on apps like Tinder and Bumble .) Basically, I dont think people are trying to be manipulative and I do think youre overthinking this, OP. Person A: Im fine. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. I get annoyed when family members pose the invitation as Youre coming to Grans on Saturday, right? To which Im like, Uh, whats happening on Saturday? And they stare at me like Im a monster for not knowing it was Sallys third step daughters cousins middle school graduation theyre celebrating on Saturday. Its not over-sensitivity when people react to it theyre reacting to what they know is likely to be underneath it.. Theres still room for her to refuse. Other Half keeps the diary, I need to check.. *drops a house on MLM guy*, Heh. One of my long-time boundaries is I wont date a guy who cant properly carry out an invitation and follow it through. I know people who mean well dont like hearing this, but I think that its important for people who mean well to also consider how the people they interact with might feel, so I consider this type of information to be useful to anyone who truly wants others to feel welcomed and comfortable. They help us tons, just because they love us and were family. (I know that I dont want to is in fact a perfectly valid excuse. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! Like now? Its 2018. I also answer yeah, that would be great and then never hear from them again. However, it is true that "hanging out" is not what a person often thinks of as "OMG awesome must be there!" [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. Me: .No. I still have the same question of why do this? This reminds me of a post the Captain did on Freeing Yourself from Constant Contact with people calling all the time. Why? @TootsNYC If you want your daughter to do her share of chores, it is a better idea not to tell her to take the trash out (now or in the next couple of hours) but rather have a family meeting at the beginning of the week, talk about what needs to be done (not only stuff that you consider important but also stuff that your daughter considers important) and then you talk about who does what. And Im feeling like, right, not only do I not know how to negotiate this myself, I also dont know what to tell my kid to say in this situation. What I usually say is, Not bad, not bad, how bout yourself?. If people volunteer that theyre from somewhere far away whether they have a recognizable accent or not I might ask what made them choose this tiny place to move to. If you are an academic assigning my posts in your courses, Id appreciate an email with a copy of the relevant syllabus/assignment for my records/CV. If one of us is dropping the ball about getting back to you, say so. Whaaaaaat. And then both go on to other things. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. But I think its disingenuous? Uggggghhhh flashbacks to a previous boything of my own. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. She asked me if we were doing anything on a certain day and I was like I cant think of what it is right now but we are definitely doing something that day. She then mentioned a big thing that was on in town this week and yes, that was in fact the thing that we were going to, so I was like Yes! I love so hard your example in #3. It can mean I want to make plans if youre freewhich, for me at least, isnt so much plan it for me as planning is hard, lets establish if theres even an open time slot before we nail down the details. (And it also stopped me from being super-duper free to do alllll the weekend shifts. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. On Thursday or Friday, its got any plans for the weekend? and on Monday, its do anything fun this weekend? I dont think theyre trying to find it my deep personal secrets, its on the same level as hows it going? or wow, traffic was awful this morning, huh? and I answer at that same level (oh, this and that, how bout you?). I get a bit awkward when people ask me that question too, because of the whole half-agreeing to plans before theyre actually exposed (I never considered it nosy personally but I can see how it might come across that way). Vacuuming the cat or shaving the yak* or something. It is really really worth it for people in all possible situations to understand being ethical as something you need to work on and not as something you already are by default and need no guidance and no dialogue for. Ill assume thats the case and check back later. If you can walk away from them, they're successful. Also Go ahead and get your friends to hate me and think Im mean, if its ever helpful to you. Since LW was talking about very short-term questions, I certainly hope no one is asking because they need to tell the caterer! You get to notice pretty fast that your opinions, feelings and thoughts dont matter if they dont conform to a view of the world that doesnt let them look like heroes and you like a cultural clich. Its up there with things like when are you going back home? or how does xy work back home? and other similar questions asked to people perceived as foreign (mostly for racial reasons). Usually people have to give me a straight answer after that. Need some help actually. However, there are a lot of male people who use this approach on female people because they are trying to be coercive. Theres a great body of research on the pileup of mental stress on the interrupted person, and the habit encourages the interrupter to indulge in constant watching and judging of how another adult spends their R&R downtime, which isnt good for the interrupter either, since it breeds resentment, often of a very petty kind. All of these. My workmates and I ask all the time stuff like what are you up to tonight/on the weekend? and its almost never a prelude to inviting them to something, its just small talk sharing our lives. The same is true for both indirect hinty inquiries like doing anything on the weekend? and direct invites like Are you available for X chore/ Y funthing Saturday between 2 and 5? Or noncommittal responses like dunno, maybe or definite responses like I will make time for a few specific fun things within specific timeframe, otherwise I am unavailable. None of these is universally rude; any/all can be considered presumptuous, pushy, passive, or otherwise inappropriate to specific circumstances or relationships (and fine/desirable for others), and any/all may result in added difficulty/danger if they are spoken to a person who has the ability to cause problems if displeased, and are not what that person wants to hear. From the sound of it, this is a dynamic already in place where LW faces various sorts of family opprobrium if LW turns down the cousin, and this is what LW is reacting to. Or is it more like she doesnt get involved into such decisions but you expect her to follow through and water your radishes? If she has problems with overbearing family, then she needs to learn how to deal with overbearing family, but shes still gonna have to function at People Interactions 101, which includes whatre you doing this weekend., Its actually amazing how much supposedly required stuff you can avoid doing by just not doing it (sadly depending on your level of privilege; Im speaking from a white cis-woman perspective). And making things even harder, so much of this is tonea chipper Why do you ask? to the above question is a soft deferral, whereas a flat Why do you ask may be offputting in a way that leverages a cost. TootsNYC, thanks for responding and considering what is said. You are never going to stop hearing this question from relative strangers and new acquaintances, but I think with close friends or family, you should be able to say to them the next time, you know Im a pretty straightforward person; if you want to invite me to something you can just ask me directly. or some variation thereof. And partly because, depending on exactly what one wants and what cost one is willing to pay, challenging the culture is how it gets changed. Yes, this. How about you? might be more the way to communicate what you have in mind. @mangosteeen, I would pay money to see Nosy Tellers face if you were to tell him you were flying to the moon some weekend! That would create some damage. I'd Be Better if You Asked Me out If I Was Any Finer, I'd Be China Why is receiving an invite considered such a stressor and its ok not to get back to the person. Boy, do I need it. To the point she gets fallout for being unhelpful if she doesnt do it? And it happens often enough, with friends/family/acquaintances, that it can get annoying, but I generally dont jump straight to why do you ask unless theyve previously over-stepped in presuming my time was theirs since Im doing nothing (that I want them to know about or feel like talking about). Itd be a big help, but if not I could find someone else. Which is a lot of caveats! But if someone says what are you doing tomorrow night and I say painting my toenails in front of Netflix, that leaves me without a graceful out. Texting or sending an email to someone. I sympathize. Getting this question still stresses me out because I feel like I have to work 100x harder to set and enforce said boundaries than if people just asked up front. And found myself saying yes more often than I wanted to. Reply with 'Hey' Back.