Forgiveness means different things to different people. Enjoy your own company and when theres a relationship worth risking the hurt, youll know it. A theological debate would be fun, though, especially with Revolution as shes smart, a writer, has a feisty personality and a beautiful heart and probably knows her stuff. This was a constant fight when we were a couple and one of the reasons I kept breaking it off with him. Oddly enough, Im grateful for the monster teacher, because the experience is what I needed to break the cycle, face my demons and begin healing. 4th ed. It beggars belief! I think it is fine that he knows that I do not think hes a good guy deserving of me letting bygones be bygones. You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. Except I was thinking that maybe I am just seeing bad things in this new guy because of the old one being so bad.. Let's talk about the difference between healthy anger and holding a grudge. And you may be holding a grudge even if you don't think that you are. teachable- As you know and have counseled people for yearstheres no making sense of nonsense. But at last he has left and I am fine! privacy practices. When I heard him say that it made me really question him, also I was thinking that maybe he was saying it to brag to his friend and didnt really mean it. A stronger immune system. Learn. In the end he told me that all he could offer me was a friend with benefits scenario (we did not have sex during the time we were in contact), and that he knew I could not accept that, that I would find it diminishing. the person who told you that is wrong. Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. I wrote this before I read some of the other posts about forgiveness. he went off to chat to a young woman (no surprise there!). Its like my old AC all over again. and she appears to be lovely woman. I feel mean standing in my boundaries and yet I also feel empowered thats a new feeling for me. I had issues were I would let things go, but still have resentment through my silence and it took me quite awhile to move beyond passive aggressive behavior and to just confront people about how I felt about the situation or their behavior. When the anger, blame, shame and resentment dictates and we cant shake it off because were caught between a rock and a hard place that on one hand says, For fecks sake! Click here for an email preview. These are practical things you can do to get out of his crazy head and into your own for some serious soul-searching (which is far more productive). I like cheeseburgers, but I no longer eat them because theyre not good for me. This isnt the Hokey Cokey (or Pokey)! Holding a grudge can be harmful to your physical and mental health. And yes, it is very much like an addiction. Forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it is simply acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. I do not think he knows that I know this or that he is married. Designed to make you chase him for the carrot of a FWB relationship. And holding grudges may actually harm your health. These feelings fester in a vacuum, squeeze them out by filling your time and attention with other things. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. It's about focusing on what you can control in the here and now. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. "Choosing to become emotionally detached and uninterested in someone you're trying to forgive. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. It helps to train the mind and associate pain with the thought so hopefully you have less thoughts in the future. Its not a joke. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Needless to say, my brother, sister and I had far from an ideal childhood. I kinda believe they dont want the nc so they can just check we have forgiven them so they feel validated to carry on their merry way.my ex doesnt even bother texting me but will reply to me if I text him. I hate having to tell people about the split, and expose myself to their judgements but I try not to worry about it, after all they were not married to him. Talking through things with the person in question or working through things with the assistance of a trained professional can help you move forward, once and for all. At all. Sure, maybe theyve changed, in small, little ways (like Maybe they pay for the entire dinner instead of paying half, lol). I have not been to therapy, but I have researched her behavior thoroughly. Define your terms? =), Tink,JustHer & Courtney. As time went on, it just became my way of being to be able to take up for or care of myself when someone was treating me badly. I hear you, and I know you are right. . Dont allow yourself to be his emotional sponge while things work or dont work out between him and his ex. Note to self: I dont want him in my life and thats okay. When I got older I realized I didnt have to take her crap anymore. Are you worthy of the air you breathe? Sometimes I feel I do, but mostly I feel I dont. I am so proud that I went NC and remain focused on therapy to learn self love, self respect. Validation? My point is that we have instincts we must follow whether it is about the guy or about our ability to be within the relationship or both. I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. You dont have to settle just to not be alone. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. I am still hurting from this user, one year after he got what he wanted and just disappeared. When you hold grudges, it is not possible to heal your emotional pain. Grudges are a form of punishment. I read a quote by G.K. Chesterton, Christianity hasnt been tried and found wanting. The word grudge is typically used to refer to such a feeling when it has been held for a long period of timeoften longer than is considered normal. Even knowing that wasnt enough for me, I apparently needed a hefty dose of agonizing pain before I finally had my fill and got burned so bad Ill never want to be in that pit again. LavendarCheck in with your feelings and tell us what you think the answer is. I thought Id feel better for telling him how I felt, but I dont- the sting of rejection and being discarded still burns. If you're mostly concerned with the other person understanding where you were coming from and ensuring that they see your side of things, that's another potential sign that you might be holding a grudge. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. They always tell you who they are. Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them. And awareness. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. Of course you can forgive them, but theres no need to find them as the relationship is over. I didnt even stand up to him the times he hit me, and told me it was my fault that he did it. He knows. Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. I understand, Rosie, and I find soothing your willingness to comment. As you know, being a Christian is hard, Revolution! That means different things to different folks but if hes trying to touch you up for a bit on the side or fun at your expense, feel free to flee away! My gut says he is married or in a relationship. Until then, goodbye and goodluck. He did not reply (I wasnt expecting him to) and I havent heard from him since. Where does this nasty piece of work get off I wonder? Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. pull the focus back on you.) Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. Please trust yourself. So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). Youre right. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. Well. Grudges and boundaries often appear similar, but they are in fact quite different. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Review/update the Im a grown up now and have just moved on. To put it simply, you're holding a grudge. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Not an easy road, but doable. I appreciate your imput. If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. But he didnt make chumps. Maybe not forever, but for a season. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. He disrespects women! Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. Getting my head down and Trying To Do The Right Thing wasnt a lot of fun (not that I always did), but looking back over it it was probably the quickest and cleanest way through. Then, I thought, Why the hell should he think I am now or will ever by ok with what went down? It bugs me that I give a hoot what he thinks. You shouldnt have to put yourself through the extra pain of knowing hes with his ex (or not). Hurt on top of more hurt, Mary, I would suggest not responding. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. If we can hurt them like they have hurt us.. Yes. I think its most important for starters that you stop with the new guy, explain that you cannot continue because you are not over your ex and then stop dating for the time being.