52. Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile. A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. Back on the phone, the guy says, OK, now what?, A turtle is crossing the road when hes mugged by two snails. Those are the umlauts.Submitted by David Wong, While going through his deceased fathers things, a man found a 25-year-old claim stub for a shoe repair. Thats the day when I take out the garbage., 16. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! Toughest job I ever had? Next time you're at a loss for words, try out one of these one-liners andwatch your popularity soar!*. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious. Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. 20 of The Young Ones most gloriously silly quotes With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. He was a tackling dummy. But that would ruin his credit. Jeannie Gibbs, The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I liked a show just because I watched 13 hours of it. Get ready for more witty bar jokes anyone can remember. You have to touch them all over before they respond. The man stands up, clears his throat, and says 'Plethora. Just then, a saleswoman appeared. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. Oh, hey, kettle, Im pot and wow, youre black. Olivia Cunning, Tie Me, 26. He told me to stop going there. They hurt my feelings. A. P., via e-mail. You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. That evening, he decides to go out. When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains. You know, youre a real jerk when youre drunk, Superman., Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Have you popped into that new coffee shop across the street yet? asks one. Dont stick around for follow ups because youll lose the power. 8. If you're loving these science jokes, you'll get a kick out of these math jokes too. I take that as a compliment. Making this distinction can help us make amends. Hes now a seasoned veteran. In his late 80s, my father-in-law went to renew his drivers license. Honey, whats for supper? Again, there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. I dont wish the best for you, nor do I want to find someone like you. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says its going to be a hit. Ten what? Well, he really gets a kick out of it. No joke. ._1QwShihKKlyRXyQSlqYaWW{height:16px;width:16px;vertical-align:bottom}._2X6EB3ZhEeXCh1eIVA64XM{margin-left:3px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;padding:0 4px}._1jNPl3YUk6zbpLWdjaJT1r._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;display:inline-block;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;margin-left:0;padding:0 4px}._2hSecp_zkPm_s5ddV2htoj._39BEcWjOlYi1QGcJil6-yl{padding:0}._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{font-size:12px;font-weight:500;line-height:16px;border-radius:2px;margin-right:5px;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis;vertical-align:text-bottom;white-space:pre;word-break:normal;box-sizing:border-box;line-height:14px;padding:0 4px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH,._1wzhGvvafQFOWAyA157okr{display:inline-block;height:16px}._3BPVpMSn5b1vb1yTQuqCRH{background-color:var(--newRedditTheme-body);border-radius:50%;margin-left:5px;text-align:center;width:16px}._2cvySYWkqJfynvXFOpNc5L{height:10px;width:10px}.aJrgrewN9C8x1Fusdx4hh{padding:2px 8px}._1wj6zoMi6hRP5YhJ8nXWXE{font-size:14px;padding:7px 12px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y{border-radius:20px}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:hover{opacity:.85}._2VqfzH0dZ9dIl3XWNxs42y:active{transform:scale(.95)} ! Now, in addition to feeling embarrassed, Jenna also feels invalidated. He approaches the dead man's wife, and asks if he could say a word. My Grandmother's favorite saying was actually a song. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen., 46. A football coach. Its not a gong. This was because he wanted to make sure that their knee-caps were alright! I normally have to run to catch the 11:30 bus. Thanks for pretending not to see me when I was pretending not to see you in order to avoid a miserably awkward conversation that neither of us wanted to have., 25. 79. Bark is on tree, trees are in nature. Check out the most Canadian headlines of all time. Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. Men are like Blackberries. Tomorrow doesnt look good either., 37. I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 78. Whats a Queen without her King? Try these funny birthday jokes! 50 of Milton Joness most ingenious jokes and one-liners The first guy says, Lets go in there for a pint., The second guy says, They wont let us in with our dogs., First guy: Sure they will, just follow my lead., He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, I cant let you in here with that dog., He replies, Oh, Im blind and this is my seeing-eye dog., The second guy sees this and does the same thing. You do you! Good Comebacks 1. An impasta. He must pay for his mistake. ._38lwnrIpIyqxDfAF1iwhcV{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);border:none;height:1px;margin:16px 0}._37coyt0h8ryIQubA7RHmUc{margin-top:12px;padding-top:12px}._2XJvPvYIEYtcS4ORsDXwa3,._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE{background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:54px;width:54px;font-size:54px;line-height:54px}._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon._2Vkdik1Q8k0lBEhhA_lRKE._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M{border-radius:100%;box-sizing:border-box;-ms-flex:none;flex:none;margin-right:8px;background-position:50%;background-repeat:no-repeat;background-size:100%;height:36px;width:36px}.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4,.icon.eGjjbHtkgFc-SYka3LM3M._1uo2TG25LvAJS3bl-u72J4{filter:blur()}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn{margin:auto 0 auto auto;padding-top:10px;vertical-align:middle}._3nzVPnRRnrls4DOXO_I0fn ._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp i{color:unset}._2bWoGvMqVhMWwhp4Pgt4LP{margin:16px 0;font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px}.icon.tWeTbHFf02PguTEonwJD0{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:top}._2AbGMsrZJPHrLm9e-oyW1E{width:180px;text-align:center}.icon._1cB7-TWJtfCxXAqqeyVb2q{cursor:pointer;margin-left:6px;height:14px;fill:#dadada;font-size:12px;vertical-align:middle}.hpxKmfWP2ZiwdKaWpefMn{background-color:var(--newCommunityTheme-active);background-size:cover;background-image:var(--newCommunityTheme-banner-backgroundImage);background-position-y:center;background-position-x:center;background-repeat:no-repeat;border-radius:3px 3px 0 0;height:34px;margin:-12px -12px 10px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin-bottom:8px}._20Kb6TX_CdnePoT8iEsls6>*{display:inline-block;vertical-align:middle}.t9oUK2WY0d28lhLAh3N5q{margin-top:-23px}._2KqgQ5WzoQRJqjjoznu22o{display:inline-block;-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;position:relative}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE{-ms-flex:1 1 auto;flex:1 1 auto;overflow:hidden;text-overflow:ellipsis}._2D7eYuDY6cYGtybECmsxvE:hover{text-decoration:underline}._19bCWnxeTjqzBElWZfIlJb{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;display:inline-block}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8{margin-left:10px;margin-top:30px}._2TC7AdkcuxFIFKRO_VWis8._35WVFxUni5zeFkPk7O4iiB{margin-top:35px}._1LAmcxBaaqShJsi8RNT-Vp{padding:0 2px 0 4px;vertical-align:middle}._2BY2-wxSbNFYqAy98jWyTC{margin-top:10px}._3sGbDVmLJd_8OV8Kfl7dVv{font-family:Noto Sans,Arial,sans-serif;font-size:14px;font-weight:400;line-height:21px;margin-top:8px;word-wrap:break-word}._1qiHDKK74j6hUNxM0p9ZIp{margin-top:12px}.Jy6FIGP1NvWbVjQZN7FHA,._326PJFFRv8chYfOlaEYmGt,._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj,._1cDoUuVvel5B1n5wa3K507{-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center;margin-top:12px;width:100%}._1eMniuqQCoYf3kOpyx83Jj{margin-bottom:8px}._2_w8DCFR-DCxgxlP1SGNq5{margin-right:4px;vertical-align:middle}._1aS-wQ7rpbcxKT0d5kjrbh{border-radius:4px;display:inline-block;padding:4px}._2cn386lOe1A_DTmBUA-qSM{border-top:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-lineColor);margin-top:10px}._2Zdkj7cQEO3zSGHGK2XnZv{display:inline-block}.wzFxUZxKK8HkWiEhs0tyE{font-size:12px;font-weight:700;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-button);cursor:pointer;text-align:left;margin-top:2px}._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0._3R24jLERJTaoRbM_vYd9v0{display:none}.yobE-ux_T1smVDcFMMKFv{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px}._1vPW2g721nsu89X6ojahiX{margin-top:12px}._pTJqhLm_UAXS5SZtLPKd{text-transform:none} Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year. The bouncer says, "You can't come in here with a dog." Check out more funny examples of irony in real life. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. ", "I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. Cant you take a joke? Whats it called? What do you call a fake noodle? Whats the best thing about Switzerland? Trying to dampen his out look, the psychiatrist took him to a room piled to the ceiling with horse manure. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. Yes, says the waiter. One turned to my father and said, Do yall put manure on your strawberries? My dad smiled, then responded, I dont know how you do things where you come from, but up here we put sugar and cream on our berries. Submitted by Stacey Hebert. Thinking this was pretty funny, I drove past even slower three more times, laughing as the camera snapped away each time I drove by at a snails pace. Local man killed by falling piano. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?, 18. Get Your Laugh on with these funny redneck sayings: He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Then it hit me. Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach, and now Im the proud owner of aisle seven. @domesticgoddss, My favourite part of watching Jeopardy! But that's not all. Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. ', The wife smiles, and says 'Thank you, that means a lot.'". Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant? Want to know whether you should be kicking your lover to the curb? You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. A: Lavion rose. And what was that? Its just as I thoughtyou dont know.Submitted by Gene Newman. I am as nervous as a long tail cat in a room full of rocking chairs. A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a whiskey and cola.". Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} I kill their plants and I love mischief. But hay its in my jeans. Hes in the village over the other direction.. "You can't make somebody love you. All jokes aside, I am so grateful for you" Submitted by Franklin P. Jones, One day my two children, 17-year-old Matt and 11-year-old Mitch, were having an argument. Submitted by D.T. Give me my scotch! The flight attendant rushes over with their drinks. It's stopped twerking. Tomac. George ignored her and walked away. What other woman? Adam shot back. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. Dont miss these bad jokes you cant help but laugh at. The first little boy says, Ill have some @#$%^& pancakes., The mother angrily sends him to his room for cursing. How ironic that teasing is something that can both enhance connection and sever it. I dont know, but the flag is a big plus. She made a mistake, however, when she accused her neighbour George of being an alcoholic after spotting his pickup parked in front of a bar one afternoon. I was always told it was piss in the boot. When he answered the door, he found a six-foot-tall cockroach standing in front of him.