Hi there, I have a foggy brain and will read everyone's posts carefully and forgive me if this has been said. I wonder if one reason that your MIL You tell as much as youre ready. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. Heres an edited transcript of this weeks chat. Our commenting guidelines can be found here. My sister didnt tell me until I called her to inquire about something and found out she was at the hospital with him. A: I doubt he needs a therapist, but he certainly needs an M.D. I know this because she has made comments to my husband like that in the past. These arguments have caused us to have days to where we hardly speak, days where I don't want to even talk to him because he is just pissy because he's holding a grudge. A: Ive said before that I dont think a man confesses his infidelity to his wifes sister because he really wants it to remain a secret. Weve barely talked these last weeks because I dont know how to respond to my husband when he cries and says he misses her and wishes she were here, then also how much he loves me and that he never intended to leave me. Or does he rush to help his little sister with every little crisis she may have, leaving you grappling with the feeling my husband always chooses his sister over me. I find it extremely difficult to be emotionally supportive when he wakes up at 3 a.m. crying and tremblingyet I dont have the heart to yell at him like I want to. Is it time to out myself as a recovering alcoholic, or is there some other way to get him to stop? His daughter is 18 and treats my husband like crap and we all know it's due to what his ex says and does. Thank you! Her two children, who are their early teens, are horrible to her. As for the issue with his sister, he and I got in an arguement over his sister because I told him something she did that he needed to know because it affected other family members and in order for nothing to get out of hand he had to know. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. All rights reserved. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and considers it his responsibility to fulfill their needs and desires? If you know this occurs.simply say nothing. He says nothing when they make their comments and occasionally will joke along the same lines. . He was raised by nice parents, enjoys good physical health, has a job he likes, we have a happy marriage, he has friends and, as far as I know, has never been the victim of any kind of serious crime or trauma. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Frankly, I think this is celebration overload and, in its own way, detracts from the seriousness of these events. If he cant see your point of view, a few sessions with a therapist to help you two hash out these in-law issues would be a good investment. I am considering separating from him if his behavior doesnt stop. In the few hours Im there, they insult her looks, her cooking, and her intelligence. It set him into defensive mode every time. Talk to you next week! Who knows why she is doing what she does with the ex. A husband's job is to protect his wife and be good to her. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs I have continued going to work because I dont want to sit at home and cry, but Im not ready to tell anyone, but my closest friends. Will there be fallout? My Friend Is Furious With Me for Ignoring Her Medical Crisis. But in dealing with his sister, everyone else is always in the wrong, and in this case you have nothing to be sorry for. Hopefully, the LW can have an impact now, so these girls will not have a lot of regret later in life. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. Never disregard the medical advice of your physician or health professional, or delay in seeking such advice, because of something you read on this Site. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. Even when she has said things that could be considered rude, I have just held my tongue. My Husband Is Mourning His Dead Mistress: Three months ago, the woman who was having an affair with my husband died suddenly from an accident. When they insult their mother, in a neutral tone say, Thats a rude thing to say. There can be situations, sometimes unavoidable circumstances, that make a man choose his family, but he will surely expect your support. Photo illustration by Slate. Or should I demand he focus on our marriage? Thanks for your feedback. i agr.ee with ( specialmom ) just focus on him .Forget the rest I think, since were technically living with my parents, we should ask for their blessing before we start trying. Knowing youre making good decisions should keep you flush and rested. But definitely, it is also a given that you would support each other in looking after your respective families. I am all for maintaining family harmony (and hanging in there to support my sister), which is why I have kept silent, but Im at the point where I want to give her all this information and let the chips fall where they may. Given the husbands contribution, it also sounds as if a malicious family dynamic is at play here: Martyr mom does everything for us, and in exchange she earns our contempt. Constructive criticism. that is what Londres's post is and I think she may have hit it right on the head. Lets say your husband is defending a friendship he has with another woman. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. But Im tired of being grilled about all of our life choices and the timing of revealing them. Knowing this was the cause of our argument yesterday (just prior to my typing my initial email). Our shop is equipped to fabricate custom duct transitions, elbows, offsets and more, quickly and accurately with our plasma cutting system. Thanks for understanding, should do it. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. A: Thank you for simply revealing your pregnancy and not having a gender reveal party. To this day, all their conflicts around Meenus complaint, My husband always supports his mother. No matter how much she resents him for it, Rajesh continues to be the dutiful son. If a part of his income goes to his family, ensure a part of your income goes to your family too. My exact response was, Dont I have the right to choose when to announce my pregnancy? Plus, we are sure, you wouldnt really appreciate a man who is not there with his parents when they genuinely and really need him. Q. My friend is handling things all right but is more concerned about her now-widower father, who is apparently struggling to leave the house and has nothing to do (he is retired). You just graciously celebrate while inwardly cringing. Read some reputable books on creating a budget and living within it. If your boyfriend is the one doing the flirting with his female friends, then he's probably doing it on purpose. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. A: I think its pretty well known that you are not supposed to give animals as presents. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. If you missed Part 1 of this weeks chat, click here to read it. I found this out when I saw his phone. Read Prudies Slate columns here. I may be one of few, but I didnt have a bridal shower. The oldest is married with a young child and my youngest is engaged. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. Who knows. sorry if it doesn't. You can work on a budget accordingly and make a list of the activities you would want to do. We had to buy a new couch to replace our old college dorm room couch and we spent over a month talking about it weighing the pros and cons. He is currently being hospitalized for some heart issues. This is a reality many married women face in India. Why don't you just ask your husband why he gets mad when you agree with him about something his mother has said or done? Help! Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. Then next time you do eat at their house, you should feel free to be more direct to the girls. Similarly, theyre so wrapped up in anger and self-righteousness that they lack curiosity about themselves. A sister who when he was living with her had kicked him out for no reason, no notice because her husband at the time said so. I don't even care if they were friends. I am appalled by this developing dynamic. After the baby comes, you can discuss with your parents whether they want to provide baby-sitting services. Our capabilities go beyond HVAC ductwork fabrication, inquire about other specialty items you may need and we will be happy to try and accommodate your needs. Well, I'm glad that you two have found the same page to be on. You'll be happier seperating yourself from anger surrounding his family. I hope it c Whenever possible, speak to your in-laws directly. If you tell me the truth, I will deny your needs. I wonder, too, if youve been able to step back and ask yourself why his platonic texts (that you have seen and say arent sexual) feel so upsetting or threatening to you (perhaps you wish you shared this easy rapport with him, too?). You can sort out your feelings by talking. that she didn't want to be one of the ex's casualties???? Q. There is NO malice intended. I don't tend to "sugar coat" many things. My question was posted because I don't know why my husband gets so defensive or upset over anything. You are welcome dear. I hope it continues to go well. And he was like this before he was believed to have dementia! Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. And you are struggling with your childrens studies and could do with some help from him in Maths. You dont just make the do not invite list for no reason. Make him sit down and explain to him that while its wonderful that he feels that his cousin needs him in the hospital and he visits her every day or that hes there for his sister but he could also feel for his son and help him out with Maths. A sister who will stand by any man she is in a relationship with. First of all I don't speak ill of my MIL and never have. Over the years, I have learned a lot and maybe it will help you. But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. If you dont like it, why you try cooking next time? but thats it. Nevertheless, he wakes up, at a minimum of one night a week, screaming, thrashing, and terrified. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. I don't like his ex either but I'm still cordial out of respect for my step-daughter. He's definitely doing that on purpose. A husband who, in a situation of conflict, sides against his wife may be hiding deep-seated resentment toward her. I couldn't not believe that was the first thing he said!! Herpes sores blister, then burst, scab and heal. I completely understand preserving relationships for the sake of children. Emily Yoffe. Even pointing something out sets him off. Be honest and clear about whats bothering you, but dont make your spouse the intermediary. This is even more important as including him would likely be directly harming your own relatives. It annoyed him, I agreed with him and said I don't understand why she did it to that extreme either and he got mad at me. You should tell herbut once hes out of the hospital and his health is stable. I imagine they are encouraged to speak to their mother harshly, and sadly, it becomes a bonding point with their father. A quick Google search pulled up the following results and many others: Ads Explain Why Animals Shouldnt Be Given as Gifts, Why You Shouldnt Give Puppies As Gifts This Christmas, Puppies are long-term commitments, not last-minute gifts, This Holiday Season, Remember: A Puppy Is NOT a Present.. If this is my reaction, should I break up with him or try to work on it? Its possible you might change your mind about dating someone whos poly in the future, or you might become less insecure and pessimistic in a way that makes a relationship like this easier on you. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. But were both doing okay. If people ask follow-ups and you dont want to answer, a simple, Its a painful subject to talk about. A sister who when he was living with her had kicked him out for no reason, no notice because her husband at the time said so. Kept my opinion to myself. But the thought of going through this number of events for two more kids is exhausting. I asked him to visit a marriage therapist together and he said hes not ready to work on our marriage, and thinks he needs to see a grief therapist instead. His mother went overboard with affection to the person she claims to hate. I really dont like it when you order for me or pressure me. So I think you should tell him to move out while you each figure out what you want out of your marriage and life. After that, she seemed to lose interest. We enjoyed ourselves the first few years. In that case, you will have to support him to stand by his family. Send me updates about Slate special offers. WebOriginally Answered: My husband listens to his sisters alot and what they say goes for me and our marriage. Anything else is just tolerating (and therefore enabling) his racism. I do not understand what You see as an issue here. I called him a mamas boy. The Negative Effects Of Having A Partner Who Doesn't Stand Up For You. Re: Celebration Overload: Its not always the bride who wants this huge lavish event. Discuss this column on our Facebook page! If he's not, divorce him and find someone better. Is there a happy medium? But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. You are not entirely wrong, if youre convinced, My husband puts his friends and family before me. Tell your husband that you have no issues visiting your in-laws but if it could be made an alternative week affair then as a couple you could have some me-time. Of course youre reeling over these events, so if he wont see a counselor with you, consider going alone. And youve left us all wondering: Does the grieving widower have any idea what his wife was up to? Again, one would need to know history and dynamics. It has become so bad that I spend all night staying up thinking about if we can afford things even though I know I can. This is the second letter Ive gotten about the amazing development of the awful gender-reveal party. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. It is not intended to be and should not be interpreted as medical advice or a diagnosis of any health or fitness problem, condition or disease; or a recommendation for a specific test, doctor, care provider, procedure, treatment plan, product, or course of action. When people say, Hows Jim? if all you want to say is, Hes fine, thanks, then so be it. A: Your answer is contained in your question. Even if it may not sound like it, I appreciate your advice. What Do Herpes Sores Look Like at Different Stages. Then if a further diagnosis is needed, he needs to see a sleep specialist. WebMy (20F) boyfriend (21M) and I cant seem to agree on our boundaries with female friends. Good for you for seeing that bonding time with Dad was part of playing out a pattern destructive to everyone. My fiancs father has been a lifelong racist, though his family does not embrace those views. Id say you should express concern not just for the animal (which is the obvious issue) but also about how traumatizing it will be for him if the dog is too much to handle, wont let him rest, or has to be rehomed if it doesnt work out. Herpes spreads by oral, vaginal and anal sex. He acts like they are his number one priority. They also felt that I was He lies and tells me they no longer text, until he gets caught red-handed again. But thats a simplistic reaction to an issue Im sure is multi-layered. Q. They've been married for 4 1/2 years, however, her husband and his sister are obsessed with each other. They didn't care that he didn't have Do not build resentment over this. Thanks for signing up! It may be that the teenagers dont want to hear this message now. You have to accept that the days of the DIY wedding are gone. Went as far as to say he doesn't remember anything I'm talking about. 3 He's Making You Jealous. If kowtowing to the sister is the primary family dynamic, then you two need to stop bowing and start standing up for yourselves. He says shes dead, so theres no reason for me to feel jealous or threatened, and asks for my understanding as he grieves. I can tell, though, that shes hurt by these remarks. Have you ever asked in a way that is 'just talking'? You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. it sounds like you may have found common ground. That's awesome. I'm glad to hear that he "fessed up" to the things he was doing. That gives him th Set the boundary early and often that a prerequisite to being included in family events is a zero-tolerance policy for racism. Send questions for publication here. He has always been prioritizing them in small ways and does not realize how much he is hurting you by giving you a second-citizen treatment. I came to an even playing ground. Oh, and one more question, why does he say he treats your family a bit cold and keeps them at arms length? Have you ever asked in a way that is 'ju And its the actual problem that needs addressing. My (Sign up here to get Dear Prudence delivered to your inbox each week. Were all breathing a little easier at family events without our racist uncle there. If you tell me the truth, I will try to control you. That means she sets the family tone, which only encourages her worst qualities. But you do not want to spend sleepless nights debating whether to get a matching ottoman. I'm not saying his mom is this or that. In Indian extended homes, husbands might want to help their wives in the kitchen but since their fathers never helped their mothers, they are unable to do it because they fear a backlash on the wife from the family. Then make it very clear to your relatives without being rude that you have work to do when they are dropping in so if you remain confined to your room, they should not hold it against you. Amazing how he now says what I was thinking all along. Thanks, everyone! Both my husband and I have agreed that if we dont have another child in the next two years or so, were probably not going to try for one after that point. Stop blaming him, it'll get you no where. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. He had numerous affairs during the late 90s and early 2000s (and perhaps Most recent situation which I mentioned above. I love this guy a lot. A: If youre in the middle of finding the best treatment for your bipolar disorder, the last thing you need is a relationship that makes you feel insecure and stressed. I think she had a few real orgasms, but mainly faked them. They didn't care that he didn't have any of his things with him, they just locked him out one night. Emily Yoffe: Thanks, everyone. I can still remember standing up to my father in my 20s when he tried to get me to join in in ridiculing my mother. When youre struggling to come to terms with the signs your husband puts his family first, know that healthy and honest communication is the key to solving any relationship issue. A: Oh, goodness, this is way too close to the baby-making party! As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. By Emily Yoffe. I know my friend is still grieving and just wants to help her dad, so how can I gently explain to her and her sister that dogs arent good gifts and this is a terrible idea? does that make sense? Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. He completely denied there was even an issue. Tell your husband you are happy to apologize when youre in the wrong. What he is doing comes naturally to him. But it sounds as if youre both employed and making good financial choices. You'll be happier seperating yourself from anger surrounding his family. No, scratch that. I hope you and your husband can start standing up for yourselves now, before you come to the conclusion that raising your children is really about what the grandparents want. We are currently living together and are starting to get our careers going. Hes told you flat out he cant work on his marriage because hes too torn up about the death of the woman he loved. Whos right? My boyfriend (21M) and I (20F) have been together for five years. It hasnt been pretty in my family but you know what? They think I quit drinking for health reasons (partially true). Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. But what my suggestion might do is help you see another way to move through this impasse and understand it better before you make any decisions about your marriage. Heres where we disagree though: My husband thinks we should just start trying and see what happens. I feel theyre now old enough to be addressed as the young women theyre becoming and understand the implications of their actions. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family.